Adalric von Basshenheim

[adalric]

Under Revision.

[The Sidhe]

Oh my, my, my~ I smell a Sue with a hint of plagiarism~

First the Teutonic Knights. You’re free to have had him be descended from them, however take into account that now in modern times they are nothing more than a religious order. They no longer run around crusading and conquering. It’s mainly priests and nuns. If his father was a member he would be celibate and certainly not wealthy. Knights also would not have been “granted” nobility. It doesn’t work that way, and the notion is rather fantastical.

If his father’s Weapon had consumed nearly 99 souls, it is highly doubtful if not completely ridiculous that it would have been defeated by a Kishin Egg so easily, ambush or no. It’s also doubtful that his father would have been able to defeat said Kishin Egg on his own. Meisters and Weapons work together because apart they cannot take down Kishin Eggs on their own, save for only a few Solo-Weapons.

Onto the complications that were supposedly associated with his birth. What exactly happened that resulted in him being deaf in one ear and partially blind in one eye? And as far as we know, colorblindness cannot occur in just one eye, injury or no. It’s genetic, it’s in one’s DNA, and it’s not possible for it to occur in just the one eye. Either make him completely color blind or don’t. Then there’s the paralysis. It’s described as only being on the right side of his face, however that seems very strange that only his face would be affected and not his entire right side.

Then there’s this so-called brain dysfunction. Sadism isn’t a brain defect, it’s a personality trait. It could be argued that anyone capable of wishing death on their enemies is a sadist, but let’s not go there. It’s also linked in to giving him some sort of berserker mode in combat which, frankly, is ridiculous. Again, there is no brain defect that we admins could think of or find on the internet that would give someone the capabilities of a berserker. It is a learned skill. What’s more is that there is nothing that in depth explains the reasoning behind it. Why does he have brain damage from some sort of complication during his birth? Without a legitimate explanation it‘s simply ridiculous. In addition, it also seemingly does not have any negative affects. It gives him a berserker rage that makes him plow through enemies and renders him supposedly unable to feel pain. I can see a disadvantage, but he may not always be injured in combat. Frankly, the idea is absurd.

Before we move on, let’s bring up the extent of this apparent berserker rage he goes into, mainly the claim that he would lose the feeling of pain to the point where he could lose an arm and not feel it. Even someone in a berserker rage would feel that. They’re arm’s off! The least they could do is take the time to pay homage to Monty Python’s Flying Circus and say it’s only a flesh wound. They may not stop or slow down due to the fact that they would have been trained to power through such a thing, but they would still feel it. It’s an arm. That skin, muscle, bone, and at least one pretty big artery to cut through. That would be a bitch and a half to try and ignore, not to mention that they would bleed out fairly quickly. It’s also highly unlikely that he could be brought out of such a rage state, whether by his mother or something else entirely. An occurrence like that happening just sounds like some hopelessly romantic notion and just plain stupid. Actual berserkers wouldn’t stop no matter what until everything in front of them had been cleaved and rendered no longer capable of breathing, let alone anything else.

Moving right along, he apparently loses his virginity at the age of 12. We’re outright just going to say no and ask that you either remove this or up his age. For one, he’s not of legal age and therefore could be counted as statutory rape. He would also be prepubescent, and with alcohol added into the equation it’s highly unlikely he’d have been able to do anything. And how exactly did his supposedly doting mother take him being gone for days on end? It doesn’t make any sense. Given the description, such behavior wouldn’t be accepted by his parents, and it doesn’t make sense that he would get away with it or that it would go unnoticed.

On the topic of things he’s underage for, let’s talk about his drinking. Having him start to drink at 11 is just absurd. Considering the reaction he got from his father after he tried sneaking a drink, it’s doubtful his behavior would be tolerated, not to mention the drinking age in Germany is 16 regardless, and it is nowhere near as easy to get alcohol there as it is in America, biases not withstanding. It’s improbable and also just plain stupid, particularly since it seems that he continues his habits while in America attending Shibusen.

Next the fact that he can apparently speak three languages and mimic their accents. If he has partial paralysis on the right side of his face so he sometimes slurs his words, he wouldn’t be able to do that, it doesn’t make any damn sense.

With the itty bitty sentence written for his Soul Purge ability, it doesn’t matter how big or strong he is. A lower class Soul Purge will have the same effect as any other lower class Soul Purge, however the force that is put behind it may be greater because he is strong. Please clarify.

More so with his fighting style, there are general issues when taking into account him being partially blind and deaf on one side. This would give him trouble with depth perception and affect his fighting style for sure and it would not be so perfect, no matter how many weapons he’s been trained to fight with.

Then there’s a bit of a personality clash that we spotted. He’s described as being a laid back individual, yet he’s an aggressive fighter. Those are two things that clash no matter how you look at it. If someone’s laid back, it could be expected that they would rather avoid fights

Next a rather minor snippet of his RP sample. Shibusen students wouldn’t be intimidated by someone’s size. I don’t care how tall he is, these kids are fighting Kishin Eggs, monsters that tear people up and devour their souls. Someone who’s tall is unlikely to intimidate them so easily.

Also the bit in his history with Equestria and that misuse of Batman: The Dark Knight quotes? Delete it.

In addition, the entire character seems just outright Sueish. For one, he’s trained in multiple weapons and is also good at handling them. He’s also described as being handsome despite the scars he bears, scars that are then put as adding to his mysteriousness. He’s good at academics but doesn’t try, strong and has the rather fortunate ‘brain defect’ that keeps him from feeling pain the longer he is in battle. A partial facial paralysis that somehow doesn’t interfere with his accent no matter what language he’s speaking. In addition to melee weapons he’s also a skilled marksman. He carries an axe in his backpack for no foreseeable reason. He attends Shibusen, he won’t need an axe and he certainly wouldn’t be fighting any Kishin Eggs with one unless his Weapon partner is an axe. All this, and yet he has very few flaws that we’ve noticed. Definitely a Sue as far as I’m concerned.

Lastly, the character seems to be copied largely from another already on the site, one Levi Kastein. He has links to Knights and nobility. He’s a shameless flirt. He has scars. He’s been trained to handle weapons that counter the weapons Levi is trained to fight with. He carries a weapon around with him. These are all things that not only remind one of Levi but seem to be copied from him. In addition, his ability with axes seems like a rip off of his faceclaim, Denmark. Neither of these things will be tolerated. Change, them, adjust them, delete them. Do something so it doesn’t look like he’s just a half-assed copy of Levi with some Denmark thrown in.